Full Caf Americano™
Okay, this is the biggest shocker since Rosie O’Donnell started letting her hair go.
Last night Jodie Foster told the world she’s a lesbian… Just like that. At the Golden Globe Awards. Sort of. Hmmm, hasn’t been seen with a guy since Scott Baio copped a feel on the set of Bugsy Malone. Ya think?
I have “the sudden urge to say something that I’ve never been able to air in public. I’m just going to put it out there loud and proud. I am going need your support on this. I am… single,” Foster said.
Laugh here: Hahahahah! We thought she was going to confess to murdering Natalie Wood.
First Foster rambled on ad nauseam about how tough it is at the top… up there with Sela Ward and everything. And how she couldn’t just be private like everyone else and, damn it, how much she wishes she could be. In front of six billion people worldwide, some of whom probably remember Freaky Friday.
No, I’m kidding — but I mean I’m not really kidding, but I’m kind of kidding. I mean, thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something? … I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago back in the Stone Age, in those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends and family and co-workers and then gradually, proudly to everyone who knew her, to everyone she actually met. But now I’m told, apparently that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a prime-time reality show.
“You know, you guys might be surprised, but I am not Honey Boo Boo Child. No, I’m sorry, that’s just not me. It never was and it never will be. Please don’t cry because my reality show would be so boring. I would have to make out with Marion Cotillard or I’d have to spank Daniel Craig’s bottom just to stay on the air. It’s not bad work if you can get it, though.
“But seriously, if you had been a public figure from the time that you were a toddler, if you’d had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else. Privacy. Some day, in the future, people will look back and remember how beautiful it once was.
Wow, was the weed good backstage or what!!!
Marion Cotillard? Oh, like in your dreams, Jodie. Okay, this was Jodie’s All-About-Jodie night. They gave her a lifetime achievement Globe. (Right after they honored Julienne Moore for her riveting hatchet job on Sarah Palin that bombed so badly our ears are still ringing.)
But tell us something. Did we really want the details. I mean, I’m sure Perez Hilton is interested. Why is it gays always think we give a rip? Twirl a baton down Hollywood Boulevard in blackface, for Pete’s sake, Jodie. We don’t care!
But it does leave us wondering: Does Jodie own and handgun? ‘Cuz it’s spooky up there at the top of the People Who Used To Be Important List. And Barack Obama can take it away if he wants to. Because he says so, and therefore it must be true. Because you guys elected him ruler, er, president.